An Uber Driver's Confessions

I signed up to drive for Uber and Lyft on a whim. I thought, sure why not I like driving and it will be a way to make money from it on those late nights when I'm too awake to sleep, but don't want to go out drinking but want some social interaction. Also, I'm in a new city and I have still been building my social circle. The level of intimacy that I'm used to in friendships (boarding school for high school created an environment for me to get REALLY CLOSE REALLY FAST with my friends, and out in the real world...these relationships take a LOT LONGER to build and sometimes never get as close) takes time to cultivate.

Uber has honestly been saving me from going out drinking which is honestly a WASTE OF TIME, unless it is 2 drinks at the most purely for the purpose of facilitating connection with a friend or loved one. You are getting older everyday, you will laugh a lot and have fun, maybe hook up and it will be hot, but then you'll wake up the next morning with a headache (shit...where did I leave my car) and you have work in an hour. Alcohol should never be the goal, it should merely be the excuse for CONNECTION with another person. If you are going out TO DRINK then in my opinion you are wasting your time. It weird how socially acceptable it is to consciously numb yourself. *I wish there were more places open late at night that involved physical activity, sports clubs open late or tea bars, etc. (If you are in Portland and know of stuff like this going on please let me know!)*

I'm in a new city. I'm pursuing acting which I've wanted to do my entire life but was always too scared but finally when I turned 25 and I wasn't happy with where I was I was like "Fuck it" Imma do me bitches and figure out how to overcome my fears and self doubt that I can't do this and fucking do it anyway. So yeah, THATs what I'm doing and it's really hard and really scary and I have so much resistance and self sabotage that I'm working through but I'm also so exhilarated and excited about life. I wake up excited to read another script, prepare for another audition, write an article or add to my stories I'm writing (someday you'll be able to read them). I've got an agent up here and he sends me to auditions and I also self-submit for projects and have booked some things and started to find my voice as an artist and actually feel confident in my ability to act. It's constantly evolving and I'm accepting this new feeling of constant change. I know I can do this. I have to do this. I can't imagine doing anything else than this. I yearn for the day that I can support myself with my art. But yeah, right now it's a hussle and it's hard. I've felt really alone in what I'm doing...

So - Uber - Somehow, the experience of just asking people about their lives and listening makes me not feel so alone.

I meet a lot of different people when I'm on the clock. A lot of people I would never meet otherwise, and may never see again. These 5-30 minutes we have together may be the only time we ever spend together and that seems to create a comfort around opening up. I have acted as something like a therapist on many occasions for complete strangers.

There was this one girl who broke down in the back of my car, spilling her guts about her "fuck buddy unicorn" who she had been hooking up with for moths, but who wasn't willing to take things further with her, yet she still insisted that he was the perfect man for her. "I don't get it. He tells me he loves me and that he wants to be with me but that he just can't right now but then he makes love to me and it's all so confusing because it feels so right!"

"Look, he is not the perfect man for you. He is leading you on. He has figured out exactly what to say in order to keep getting what he wants from you. I'm sorry to say this, but its a convenient situation for him to be able to just hook up with you and not have to show up for the emotional stuff. It's not fair to you, you know you deserve someone who wants all parts of you." She was a blubbering mess. I should really keep tissues in the backseat. We were pulled over in front of the next bar she was going to and I turned my car off and turned around to continue talking with her.

She was pretty, with a little bit extra on her, but beautiful and wearing a little bit too much makeup. I watched her go through a transformation in the back seat of my car. She agreed with me of course (I give great advice...if only I would take it for myself more often) and left the car after thanking me profusely mixed in with apologizing for wasting my time.

"It surely was not a waste. You're very welcome. I hope you find what you're looking for. Have a good night." I said as she bounced out of my car. I have no idea if she put into practice anything that I said. You can try to guide people, but ultimately they have to find their own way. Make their own mistakes and learn from them. I know how it is for everyone around you to see so clearly that what you are doing isn't working (and deep down you see it too but just aren't ready to be honest with yourself about it) but ultimately you have to come to the conclusion on your own. Or not. Thats cool too. Whatever floats your boat.

I have many of these profound connections with people, and sometimes think about them days afterwards...how are they doing now?

Change is hard. Scary. It feels like you are going to die. It's so unbelievably difficult and also the only constant in life. Our challenge as humans is to figure out how to increase our capacity to deal with change. Ride the wave as they say. Sometimes I'm hard on myself and I feel like it's lame that I sort of need uber in some ways to get some social interaction in my life but whatever. Thats just the truth of what is happening right now. What would it look like if we were all more forgiving to ourselves? We are literally all just doing the best we can, why can't that be enough? (I ask myself this everyday and will continue to until I figure it out). the end. (for now)

#acting